Fifteen

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Fifteen years ago today my life was forever changed. As of right now, I can’t say if it was a good or a bad change. It certainly wasn’t all good, but I don’t think I can say it was all bad either. I reflected on my drive home about how different May 7, 2012 was much May 7, 1997 or May 7, 2007 or any other May 7 post 1997. In fact today was almost like May 7, 1996 or any May 7 prior.

You see, today was different because I wasn’t dwelling on the past. I wasn’t wallowing in self pity and playing the victim. I’ve sure done a lot of that in the past. Today was almost normal and almost just like any other day. I did what I had to do at work and wasn’t waited down with grief, sadness, a sense of loss, or self pity. Or even anger. I’ve spent this day angry more than a few times.

Fifteen years ago today, my mom lost her battle with leukemia. Ten year old me came home from school and had no idea what I was about to hear. I spent approximately the next ten years searching for a reason and a meaning and anything that could justify this trauma. I was searching for someone, anyone to tell me that this didn’t mean God didn’t love me. Instead, everyone kept saying “God works all things for good for those who love him” and I kept thinking God didn’t love me.

Almost five years ago I read Donald Miller’s Blue Like Jazz and it changed my mind about God. One chapter in that book revolutionized the way I read Romans 8. In the moment I read it I had hope. Hope that maybe this didn’t mean God had scorned me. Maybe just maybe my life up this point had not turned out this way because God had it out for me.

And that is why today was almost normal. I know that I am loved by God and the circumstances of my life are not a reflection of the amount God loves me. I have peace.

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